Kicking out a son with drug addiction-right or wrong?
Question by Julie J: Kicking out a son with drug addiction-right or wrong?
My 20-year old son has had drug addictions to pot & cocaine since he was a young teen. Prior to his 17th birthday, we did a forced residential rehab program for him. He resented it at first, but he did learn a lot & it helped him to settle some of his anger issues. He never truly gave up using drugs, & I asked him to leave my home because I wouldn’t tolerate the drug use. We didn’t speak for awhile. 18 months ago, he came to my (then) fiance & me, begging for a chance at a fresh start, some discipline, & some parenting. We were encouraged by this & laid down some strict rules; no drugs period, curfew of midnight, must pay his own expenses like cell phone, car insurance, gas, etc.; must find & keep a job, and more. For awhile he did well & was very happy. Two months later, he returned to his old stomping grounds & encountered trouble, resulting in permanent injury to his left ankle & foot. Four surgeries & a bone fusion later, he walks with a limp & the five screws holding his ankle in place cause him much pain. We paid his medical bills & I devoted much time to taking him to doctors, physical therapy, and more. Last summer, we saw his usage increase again. He stole $ 2500 cash from me that was actually a fund for his older brother; no remorse. he claimed, “I was f*cked up, I couldn’t help it.” We forgave him & made up a repayment plan. He did not stick with it. We also requested that he attend NA; he did for awhile but then he made excuses that he never had gas to get to meetings (which are only six miles from home).
In September, his rudeness, disregard for our rules & drug use increased again. We kicked him out, and he & his dog lived in his car for five days. My ex bought him food & allowed him to shower at his workplace locker room after hours. The weather was mild during the five days & nothing bad happened to him. Although he wasn’t destitute, we hoped this episode got his attention. The poor dog was traumatized, too.
We decided to give him one last shot, and he moved back in. We offered counseling to try & bring him & my husband closer together; he agreed to it, but then excuses crept up & he never was available to participate. He was extremely nice to my husband, though, which was quite a switch from his prior behavior. I was hopeful that they seemed to be getting along better.
Two weeks ago, I noticed the spiral behavior once again. I asked him, “Do me a favor & save me $ 40…if I gave you a drug test right now, what would appear on it?” He admitted to using cocaine & pot. When I shared with my husband, he said “enough” and my son had to leave that evening after he got off work. He left his dog with us, asking us to care for her. He found a room mate situation but he cannot bring his dog into the home, so she stays with us & he was visiting a few times a week. After he was out, we found that three of my husband’s fine jewelry rings were missing. The police investigation found two of the three rings were sold to two area pawn shops–my son’s name was on the sales slips. One ring was recovered; the other was offered for sale but was just recently melted for scrap. These were heavy, solid gold rings…valued at a combined total of over $ 5000. My son got less than $ 200 for both. He did not admit to the theft.
He has a pending drug possessions charge from last summer, too. Not up for trial yet but based on the amount & type of drugs he was found with, the least he will have to do is a long probation.
Last night, he abruptly quit his pizza delivery job & took off with over $ 300 cash which belonged to his employer. Because he is a good worker, they gave him a chance to return the money; his response was to tell his boss, “Do what you have to do.” So, another police report and more pending charges.
I’ve been attending a Nar-Anon group, which has helped me understand that these actions are symptoms of my son’s addiction, and yes, he is spiraling out of control again. I located an intervention service & what sounds like a great, long-term rehab facility that is nonprofit & quite affordable. He will be able to enroll there, work jobs, attend college classes, gain knowledge of managing money & saving, & once he graduates, the pending legal charges will be deferral & dismissal instead of possible felonies. He is open to going & hearing more details about it. I am concerned that the two year commitment will not be to his liking, but his only other choices are jail or death.
At the Nar-Anon meetings I’ve met other parents who all let their addicts live with them; I seem to be the only parent to have kicked mine out. Part of me feels guilty but part of me also feels relief…like I am no longer being used or victimized by my son. I know he has to want to make changes before changes can be made, even with all the family support in the world.
Has anyone gone thru similar experience…eithe
Best answer:
Answer by Venus? Merry Christmas!
I have not gone through this an don’t have any children.
Think of it this way, if you allow him to stay, you would be enabling his drug-use.
You are doing the right thing for your son and your family.
Answer by It’s French to drink coffee
Cocaine is a powerful drug a very expensive one too, it gives user a god like feeling.
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